The Premier League Title Race Decided, In Hair Terms

With only weeks to go, the title race in this seasons Premier League is arguably the most exciting in recent history. As I write, three superb teams are separated by a single point with only seven games remaining. 

This is no time for fatigue after a demanding eight months where this legendary trinity have already racked up almost fifty games a piece. Sinews, alongside nerves, will be strained and shredded in the coming month before one team emerges victorious and holds the trophy aloft. 

But who are the favourites? Well, though its ridiculously tight, the table would suggest Arsenal right now. They’re top by a goal difference swing of nine and with the most goals scored and the least conceded - and that’s the key in football, right? Score the most, concede the least… Well, sort of, until you consider how close they were to winning it last season before buckling under the pressure of the well-oiled machine that is Manchester City.

Headed up by one of the greatest managerial minds of all time in Pep Guardiola, many would argue that the Sky Blues are in the strongest position of all. Yes, they’re one measly point and a handful of goals behind, but they have the experience to deal with such pressure. The treble winners of last season have won this trophy in four of the last five years and have a squad who are ruthlessly accustomed to winning.

Hold you horses though, for there is a wild card amongst the pack. After finishing in an uncharacteristically low fifth place last season, this was meant to be a season of development for Liverpool. With an exciting but young and relatively inexperienced breed of players, expectations were relatively low before a ball was kicked. However, this is the final season in the hot seat for their iconic head honcho, Jürgen Klopp, and they’re hell bent on making it one to remember.

So, after all that, who do we think is going to win? No idea; we’re barbers after all, not pundits. However, what we do know is hair, so we have produced a purely hypothetical (and ultimately pointless) top three standing based on each team’s follicular performance throughout the season. It certainly isn’t one to base your wager on, but it’s probably as good a way as any to split these three. 

Champions

Arsenal 

It’d be a huge day in North London if Arsenal were actually crowned champions for the first time in twenty years. Yes, that’s right, twenty years since the heydays of Henri, Pires and co. To be honest, it would’ve been a fairly big day in North London a few seasons back if they’d won this inaugural Ruffians Hair Premier League, such is their rampant thirst for some silverware in the post Wenger era. 

There are a few reasons why The Gunners have finished top of the table for us, and they are as follows:

1. The fades and tapers. Yes, we all know that skin fades and tapers have become the trademark look for Premier League footballers over the past couple of years, so Arsenal are anything but alone in their plentiful displays of this. The fact that these cuts need very regular freshen-ups is of little importance to those banking in excess of £100k per week and who have plenty of time on their hands after finishing training at lunchtime. 

However, whilst these trims are anything but out of the ordinary in this world, the truth is that       whoever is in charge of the clippers at The Emirates certainly knows what they’re doing. Those fades and tapers are as blurry as you’re ever likely to see, meaning that one barber has certainly earned their (likely highly lucrative) wages.

2. The sheer amount of hair on Mikel Arteta’s head. Sure, Jürgen Klopp has a fine head of hair for his age - rumoured to be assisted by a talented surgeon or two - however, rarely is a man born with as many follicles per square inch of scalp real estate as Arteta. His hairline is lower than most school kids and his Playmobil-esque thatch only strengthens that link. Some say that stress can be a contributing factor to hair loss, so we’re guessing this intense title race is like a walk in the park for Mikel. Share some our way, mate.

3. The hair history. We know that the title race is a here and now situation and history means nothing in reality, however, these meaningless standings aren’t reality so we’re running with it. Does any team have so much hair dynamite in its back catalogue as Arsenal? From fashionista Hector Bellerin’s modern fashion mullet to Pires’ luscious locks to Bergkamp’s classic golden wavy sweepback, it’s all top stuff. 

Runner Up 

Liverpool 

Many would love to see Klopp’s boundless energy and gung-ho tactics go out with a bang as he picks up his second Premier League title before calling it a day on Merseyside. Many others wouldn’t. 

On the pitch they’re a safe bet to score in every game they play but where hair is concerned, Liverpool are a mixed bag. Some of the old guard have great lids - After a fresh trim, Mo Salah’s at times wild mane can look great and Alisson seems to rock short and long hair with equal, effortless success. Even Virgil Van Dyke’s trademark up ‘do always looks immaculate. However, some of the up and coming youngsters, whilst talented, do not share their follicular finesse. 

Let’s start with Harvey Elliott, whilst the promising midfielder has made big steps this season, his hair still has plenty of work to do. Admittedly, it’s a tough hair type to deal with but the heavy top with puffy, non-blended sides is probably not the way to go; it too often ends up looking like a nest of Super Noodles prior to soaking. 

It’s a similar story with Curtis Jones. The lad has a luscious head of curly hair that could look great with a loose relaxed style, however, he sports an inexplicable boxed-in hairline which makes him look somewhat Lego-esque. 

We could continue along the same theme. Klopp’s classic swept look - good, Tsimikas’ braided top knot - not good. You get the picture.

Third Place

Manchester City 

It’s a rare event these days for the Citizens to not win anything they’re involved in, so the blue half of Manchester would be gutted if this sequence were real and they ended up in third come mid May. Well, lucky for you lot this is anything but real life. Plus, you’ll probably still have the Champions League and FA Cup to win anyway, so no need for tears. 

In truth, Manchester City’s fate as lowest placed side was sealed the moment talisman Kevin De Bruyne returned to the pitch after a long spell on the sidelines with a baffling new grown-out barnet to go with his anything but new skill set. 

Ok, so the geezer may have the straightest hair that side of the Dartford Crossing but come on; there’s so much wax in there to keep it in place that Europe is in danger of heading into a candle production crisis. 

Add this to Phil Foden’s blunter than blunt Noughties ASBO fringe and Erling Haaland’s ten years too late top knot and you’ve got yourself a one way ticket to a Champions League qualifying round tie (which they’d inevitably win 8-0). 

Some would argue that their standing should have been elevated simply for having the Premier Leagues “Mr. Hair” in their ranks; we’re talking about Mr. Grealish of course. Well, at the risk of upsetting many an adoring fan, I’m going to say it’s not all that. 

Sure, the fella may have been blessed with a fantastic head of hair to go with his other worldly calves and sublime footballing ability, but the boxed in hairline and Alice band were steps too far. Grow out the back and sides, bang in some texture and the handsome devil would’ve sealed them second place.